The ebb and flow of search

The individuals I am working with these past few weeks are seeing their ancestry trees grow slowly into large families with several possibilities. I say possibilities because we are still testing the water here and there to find the right alignment with non-identifying information, and the variables of truth or fiction contained therein.

One never can be sure about the motives of the birth mother’s. Did they want to be found? Were they honest or was there a reason to hide how they came to be in this situation? Having heard and read many scenarios one cannot feel anything less than sorry for all the women put through the decisions and heartache associated with a choice they never would have imagined having to make; much less having to bare the weight of it a lifetime thereafter.

The suffering that I have witnessed from both sides is certainly something I can intimately empathize with. Certainly not the pregnancy, but definitely the feelings behind all the hope one has to muster to accept the reality of child relinquishment. Then spent decades lost without them only to start a desperate search by some. There is a similar feeling coming from the adoptees perspective. Everyone comes to a slightly different need to know, but for me it was just to finally say, “Yes, I am okay”.

The dynamic changes and evolves in reunion, but the thirst one feels the need to quench is insatiable until those lost are found once more. I am not sure my words will soothe or torment those actively in their searches. My hope is to bring the familiar thoughts towards some peace.

Knowing that many of those I am helping have grown several family trees linked to genetic cousins towards something large enough to consider all the images, history, locations, and people into their thoughts can be somewhat comforting. However, I know that it can also be nerve wracking at times to be so close and yet so far from the answers.

Its like walking into a stadium full of people that give you a sense of familiarity, but instead of feeling warmth and at ease, your mind races and swirls about them. Questions about one’s nature and desire for framing the beginnings of one’s life can be haunting at times. Sometimes the drive can be so overwhelming your minds wants to see what it cannot yet grasp. The truth.